Category Archives: Writing

Women’s Rights, Human Respect

This election and a short conversation with a family member has got me wanting to share my opinion. The country was floored by Donald Trump’s “locker talk”, his racist comments, and his blatant disrespect for virtually all minorities. My heart is broken that America really made a man like that president. There’s more to this life than the pointless bickering, money, laws, and politics. We are all living on borrowed time. We should view one another with love no matter our religion, disability, skin color, sex, or income. We should all agree to disagree respectfully. We should always be humble and remember that all life is life. However, when I look at my Facebook feed or talk to (most) of my friends and family, I come to realize that they share the same negativity.

“‘Merica!”

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So long, Filofax

Like many “planner girls” I used to see a photo or video featuring a beautiful Filofax Malden and swoon. I’ve went through three personal sized ring binders. The first was a simple brown Day Runner Harmony. The second was a Valentine’s Day gift, a Filofax Saffiano in Raspberry. The third purchase was that lovely hunk of supple plum-colored leather, the unicorn they call the Malden… Yes, this planner was beautiful. It had all of the pockets I wanted in a planner, a long strap, large rings, and felt like heaven. Yeah, she was beautiful; but she didn’t mean a thing to me. (Death Cab For Cutie) Continue reading

Crochet is Freeing

So I sold my crochet hooks last year before we moved. I hardly ever used them and decided that I would just be a knitter. After a year of only knitting I have found that while I prefer knitting over crochet, there are many things that crochet is simply better for. I prefer knitting for three reasons: I do not have to look at the stitches (meaning I can do while reading or watching something), I do not have to count the stitches after each row, and my project stays together in the bag better. While crocheting does require me to keep my eyes on my work more, and any “pair” projects never turn out the same size for me, it is so freeing. You can build up in any direction you want. It is also easier to fix mistakes.

So I took my hobby lobby gift card I received for Mother’s day and bought myself another set of hooks. I’m currently working on a bag for my yoga mat, and really enjoying just creating with no plan. I have been knitting and crocheting for so many years that I am finally to the point where I can really begin making my own patterns that actually turn out well. I’ve gained new confidence in the mastery of my fiber-art skills.

2015 Goals

So, looking back I realize that I achieved virtually all of my goals from last year. I am not much of a “resolution” person because I have a difficult time deciding on a single resolution so I make a list of 5 or so goals for the new year. I am still working on my list but here are the first few:

Minimalism – I saw a TED talks video on minimalism and figured out that there is a word for what I have been trying to achieve in the past year! I was calling it “simplifying” and “zen-ing” and “cleaning”; things like that. Removing distractions from life so I can have time for what is important to me, family. Last year I cleansed my relationships, habits, some material items, and began to get organized. This year I want to get rid of MUCH more in the way of material things, keeping only amounts that I need. I also want to continue to streamline organization of the family’s stuff as much as possible.

Graduate – My Computer Information Systems certificate is on it’s way in the mail and I am so close to graduating with my AAS. I know that the classes will get harder with more children to take care of, but I hope to continue to get good grades. The Dean’s List has not been released for the fall semester yet but I’m pretty sure I made it, which was a goal for me last year.

Document our lives – I saw a little notebook/journal in Target called “Mom’s One Line A Day” and I realized that I need to make it a goal and commitment to take the time to document things with the kids. I find Joey asking if I remember these little things that Marley did when she was little, things I used to hold so dear because of how cute she was, that had slipped my mind. Life as a mother is busy, kids grow so fast, and it is easy to forget memories that are precious. For this reason I want to use my planner/journal/management book/thing for this. (Another goal is to come up with a correct term for that book!)

Allot more time for Mommy – I spend virtually all of my free time from children cleaning and doing school work. I used to feel  very rushed, always ended up with an unfinished list of chores, and neglected to give myself time for beauty or even just to be alone. Since I have been using my management book/planner/journal I have been able to manage my time better. Since Joey has his amazing job (thank you, Toyota!) and we are no longer strapped for cash I have been able to spend an extra $25 a year on beauty products for myself without it being a big deal. We have a mobile mirror in a perfect spot, a child-safe and organized home, and lots of little things that make Mommy’s life simpler; thus giving me a few extra minutes each day for my own beauty routine. Looking good boosts my confidence, self-esteem, and helps me stay in “adult-land”.

Grow out my hair – And avoid the urge to color it! I miss my dark hair and Joey is not a big fan of the henna red so I dyed the henna parts with a dark ash blond that really toned down the red and helped my roots and the henna blend together MUCH better. Now to KEEP it this way! I hate using chemicals on my hair, am too lazy to upkeep color, and want to grow out some very long virgin hair.

2014

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss

I really wanted to write this in my journal but I have so much to say about the year, typing is faster, and if something were to happen to my journal I wouldn’t want to lose this entry. I’ve been in a bit of a spat with my mom this evening and it has got me thinking. Through this she said she feels bad for me because I care what people think. The thing is, I have stopped caring what people think. That is why I had the balls to speak my mind to her about the way I feel about she and my family in the first place.

I explained to her that 2014 has been my year to clean up my life. I have finally stopped just existing and taken charge of who I subject myself and my children to. I spent weeks and weeks considering what I wanted in life, what I want for my children, and where I want to be years from now. I looked around at the family and friends I was surrounding myself with, and realized that I wasn’t surrounding myself with people that I want to be like. I don’t want to be surrounded by manipulative pointless trashy drama. I also don’t want to be around a bunch of druggies and drunks that let their addictions rule their lives (as I did in the past). Most of all I don’t want to be around people who pretend to be something that they are not. I’ve spent my life surrounded by people who say one thing but do another. Almost every single person I knew growing up or have befriended as an adult does drugs. They do drugs to deal with their lives because of the messed up things their parents have subjected them to.

I do not want that for my children.

I don’t want to be a parent like so many parents I know now that love the way their kids turned out but seriously regret the pain that their decisions have caused their kids. I don’t want my kids to turn out strong-willed and intelligent because they had to overcome all of these issues caused by being subjected to so many things they shouldn’t have seen until late teens/adulthood. I want them to turn out strong-willed and intelligent because they were heard, guided, and motivated. I don’t want my kids to realize that abusing drugs and alcohol will not solve their problems until they are 20-something and have fucked up parts of their lives because of it. I don’t want my kids to feel the pain that I, and so many other people I know, have felt because of having their childhoods ripped away from them before they were even a teenager, being forced to parent themselves and sometimes even their parents…

So I made the hard decision to cut ties and distance myself and my family. This way I am in control of how often we see the people we love that are not the best influences. I can’t change who our family is, but I can change how often we communicate with them. I no longer have my sister or aunt knocking on my door with some negative bullshit that doesn’t matter to me, just fuming in front of my daughter, showing her that this is how family treats each other- bad mouthing one another. I made the decision to make a move instead of sitting there idly, just waiting for something to happen, wishing I could just throw an invisibility cloak around my apartment.

I also made the decision to stop living in the past when it came to my friends. I was spending so much time focused on people who had moved on with their lives, pining for them, that it was putting strain on my present life and relationships. I made the decision to give the man I love one chance to step up and change his life or live it alone, without Marley and I. Though the ghosts of the past still haunt my dreams, I no longer reside there. I had tried for months and months to focus on the present and the future but I was so unhappy in the present that I couldn’t force my mind to stop reliving my times in Madison like I was reading a book, day in and day out.

Other than that I also made the decision to become more organized. I hated the way that our home was constantly disheveled, I hated the stress it brought on, and I hated the way it made me feel like I had zero control over anything. So I started making lists, I started keeping a home-management binder, I started organizing. I stopped putting things off, I stopped letting myself be defeated by the feeling of clutter and mess threatening to suffocate me like ocean waves. I consolidated, got rid of crap I didn’t need, began organizing the crap I did. I stopped living in fear of upsetting other people, and started living the way that I want to. Ultimately, I stopped sitting around waiting for some hero or magical force to come take away all of my problems, or take me away from all of my problems.

I realized a long time ago that I am the problem with my life; I just never really knew what to do about that other than sulk in my own self-hatred and pity. Constantly looking to others to make me feel like I was worth something. Once I started taking responsibility and control of the problems in my life, everything else fell into place. Now I am approaching 2015 with this family that I’ve started in a town that we chose, away from all of the negativity that seems to always suck me back in and pull me down over, and over through the years. I know I come off as a bitch, but it’s not that I think I am better than anyone else. It’s just that I have chosen to rise above the people I was born unto. I have chosen to spread my wings and break away from the pain of an idle life.

I’ve improved and accomplished so much this year and I don’t care if my mother isn’t proud of me, or if my relatives think I am being a heartless bitch. I am damn proud of myself. Anyone who knows me knows what a complete push-over-people-pleaser I used to be. Those people who have suffered with me, and taken years out of their lives to befriend me in my worst times; whether we talk on a regular basis or not; I know would also be proud of me. So my “family” can stick it where the sun don’t shine and keep blowing their smoke because this year I grew the balls to tell them what I really think. This year I stood my ground instead of allowing them to turn me to jelly with their opinions. This year I finally truly, truly broke free.

Updates

So I do not have any crafting updates as I have been super busy with life and school preparation. Minus the fact that my dad came across a TON of wool and pretty much doubled my yarn stash! School starts this coming Monday and I am very excited! To think I only have one semester after this and I will finally be finished blows my mind! Unfortunately I will not be able to just jump right in to my career once I graduate as I wanted to. It will take me another 6 months probably before I will have the time because come the beginning of the year (hopefully I last until February/March) we will have two new babies!

That’s right we are having twins! We will be moving in January and I may be so big by then I won’t have time to finish the nursery in time for their arrival. I want to give myself enough time to settle in to our new home and recuperate from birthing two new little joys before I start working. I have decided to make my last elective a database class instead of going the web development route. I will end up with two certifications on top of my degree this way and want to be as employable as possible. I don’t want firms to think my web dev skills are too out of date after so long and I know I won’t have time to stay on top of the latest tech tricks when I’m chasing a two year old around while tandem nursing twins.

Last but not least I was nominated and invited to join The National Society of Leadership and Success, Sigma Alpha Pi! I know being a community college this wouldn’t mean that much to someone going to a big college; but it means so much to me. The faculty nominates only a select few students based on their academic efforts and leadership potential. It really made me realize that I have come so far from when I was truant from school at 15. I crammed four+ years of school into a summer, busted my ass to learn all that I could and get my GED, started college at 17 and now I’m finally (due to a few year break and so much mind changing about a major) going to graduate; and someone else is finally recognizing my hard work. Looking back at my life and the current state of my siblings and cousins I see where I could be now and where I am. I’m so damn proud of myself!

I’m finally beginning to look to the future with relief knowing that even though most of my family is unsuccessful, constantly stressing about finances, regretting much of their lives, and struggling just to get by; I know that will not be me. I will be able to provide for my kids and leave them something when I pass away. I will be a good example for my children. Most importantly I will be a parent to my kids. I will supervise them. I will discipline them. I will not let them ever have a reason to feel like they are not worthy.

Through all of this personal development and soul searching I’ve been doing the past few years and action taking the past few months, I’ve really grown. I’ve been able to see my past, face my fears, take action, and speak out. I’ve been able to tell my feelings to people in ways I never thought possible. I used to keep my thoughts and feelings bottled up for fear of hurting others but I know that true love is unconditional. No matter how upset my words may make someone in the short term, in the long term my words help them see the truth. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and to move on. I’m just so proud of myself for all of my improvement and so thankful to be blessed with two buns in the oven!

Drugs

I’ll never understand how it is they stay hooked
Lying to the world like they are writing a book
Preaching of health and wellness or moping and poor
Knowing damn well if they wanted they could close that door.
I’ve seen my fair share of addicts recover and users put it down
No matter how functional you think you are you’re poisoning yourself.
You people claim to want to live and see your grandchildren grow
But there you sit shoving pills up your nose.
I used to be addicted to what I thought to be a shining light
Took my nutrition, brain cells, money, and sight.
But then I had a child and all of that changed
My precious little girl more beautiful than rain
I thought of how I wouldn’t want her to poison herself like me
How I wouldn’t poor that stuff on a tree
Or a bug or animal or any living thing
Why should I keep smoking, snorting, or drinking?
I may be so small, just a spec of matter in the whole
But I’m still a beautiful creation worth more than I know
I shouldn’t throw that away
I shouldn’t toss away my days…
I used to think addiction was a strong grabbing hand
Keeping all of them trapped against their will, my family and friends.
But as I always have been to them their temple must be
A love to waste away, last choice, no more than a body…
I wish the best to the addicts I used to hold dear
Maybe one day you’ll get your life under control or at least be real here.

My body is a temple and my life is a blessing. I will not ever do drugs again or chose to be around those who do. It is only enabling them.