“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss
I really wanted to write this in my journal but I have so much to say about the year, typing is faster, and if something were to happen to my journal I wouldn’t want to lose this entry. I’ve been in a bit of a spat with my mom this evening and it has got me thinking. Through this she said she feels bad for me because I care what people think. The thing is, I have stopped caring what people think. That is why I had the balls to speak my mind to her about the way I feel about she and my family in the first place.
I explained to her that 2014 has been my year to clean up my life. I have finally stopped just existing and taken charge of who I subject myself and my children to. I spent weeks and weeks considering what I wanted in life, what I want for my children, and where I want to be years from now. I looked around at the family and friends I was surrounding myself with, and realized that I wasn’t surrounding myself with people that I want to be like. I don’t want to be surrounded by manipulative pointless trashy drama. I also don’t want to be around a bunch of druggies and drunks that let their addictions rule their lives (as I did in the past). Most of all I don’t want to be around people who pretend to be something that they are not. I’ve spent my life surrounded by people who say one thing but do another. Almost every single person I knew growing up or have befriended as an adult does drugs. They do drugs to deal with their lives because of the messed up things their parents have subjected them to.
I do not want that for my children.
I don’t want to be a parent like so many parents I know now that love the way their kids turned out but seriously regret the pain that their decisions have caused their kids. I don’t want my kids to turn out strong-willed and intelligent because they had to overcome all of these issues caused by being subjected to so many things they shouldn’t have seen until late teens/adulthood. I want them to turn out strong-willed and intelligent because they were heard, guided, and motivated. I don’t want my kids to realize that abusing drugs and alcohol will not solve their problems until they are 20-something and have fucked up parts of their lives because of it. I don’t want my kids to feel the pain that I, and so many other people I know, have felt because of having their childhoods ripped away from them before they were even a teenager, being forced to parent themselves and sometimes even their parents…
So I made the hard decision to cut ties and distance myself and my family. This way I am in control of how often we see the people we love that are not the best influences. I can’t change who our family is, but I can change how often we communicate with them. I no longer have my sister or aunt knocking on my door with some negative bullshit that doesn’t matter to me, just fuming in front of my daughter, showing her that this is how family treats each other- bad mouthing one another. I made the decision to make a move instead of sitting there idly, just waiting for something to happen, wishing I could just throw an invisibility cloak around my apartment.
I also made the decision to stop living in the past when it came to my friends. I was spending so much time focused on people who had moved on with their lives, pining for them, that it was putting strain on my present life and relationships. I made the decision to give the man I love one chance to step up and change his life or live it alone, without Marley and I. Though the ghosts of the past still haunt my dreams, I no longer reside there. I had tried for months and months to focus on the present and the future but I was so unhappy in the present that I couldn’t force my mind to stop reliving my times in Madison like I was reading a book, day in and day out.
Other than that I also made the decision to become more organized. I hated the way that our home was constantly disheveled, I hated the stress it brought on, and I hated the way it made me feel like I had zero control over anything. So I started making lists, I started keeping a home-management binder, I started organizing. I stopped putting things off, I stopped letting myself be defeated by the feeling of clutter and mess threatening to suffocate me like ocean waves. I consolidated, got rid of crap I didn’t need, began organizing the crap I did. I stopped living in fear of upsetting other people, and started living the way that I want to. Ultimately, I stopped sitting around waiting for some hero or magical force to come take away all of my problems, or take me away from all of my problems.
I realized a long time ago that I am the problem with my life; I just never really knew what to do about that other than sulk in my own self-hatred and pity. Constantly looking to others to make me feel like I was worth something. Once I started taking responsibility and control of the problems in my life, everything else fell into place. Now I am approaching 2015 with this family that I’ve started in a town that we chose, away from all of the negativity that seems to always suck me back in and pull me down over, and over through the years. I know I come off as a bitch, but it’s not that I think I am better than anyone else. It’s just that I have chosen to rise above the people I was born unto. I have chosen to spread my wings and break away from the pain of an idle life.
I’ve improved and accomplished so much this year and I don’t care if my mother isn’t proud of me, or if my relatives think I am being a heartless bitch. I am damn proud of myself. Anyone who knows me knows what a complete push-over-people-pleaser I used to be. Those people who have suffered with me, and taken years out of their lives to befriend me in my worst times; whether we talk on a regular basis or not; I know would also be proud of me. So my “family” can stick it where the sun don’t shine and keep blowing their smoke because this year I grew the balls to tell them what I really think. This year I stood my ground instead of allowing them to turn me to jelly with their opinions. This year I finally truly, truly broke free.